Dumbest Things Hollywood Has Taught Us

While there are lots of opinions on the intriguing topic of dumb cliche'
movie rules, formulas and stereotypes, here are Dr Von Zuko's favorite
Top Eight Dumbest Things that the Movies Have Taught Us . . .


Seven Dumbest Things the Movies Have Taught Us About: Alien Invasions

Alien Invasion

1.) Aliens can be killed with a glass of water . . . What were they thinking by attacking us? 70% of the Earth is covered with water!

2.) If you are a computer geek, you can thwart a massive, highly coordinated alien invasion of the planet Earth with a simple computer virus. Good thing Aliens use the same programming languages as we do and don't seem to have any firewalls.

3.) Aliens have to carve symbols into corn fields and mountain tops, and build massive monuments or pyramids to find their way around on Earth, apparently all their interstellar-time-traveling-warp speed technology, does not include a GPS.

4.) Aliens can breathe through eyelids and sometimes rip off and wear a dead guy's skin as a disguise. (Hope they have deodorant.)

5.) Aliens can leave their war machines under the streets of Bayonne N.J. for centuries without getting any rust, corrosion, staining or caked mud.

6.) Massive city size alien space craft can enter earth's atmosphere and sneak past all of our satellites, early warning radar, and military defenses simply by hiding in a big dark swirling cloud.

7.) All aliens have florescent green blood that glows brightly and eerily, even without turning on a black light.


Seven Things the Movies Have Taught Us About: Fighting International Terrorists

Terrorist Time Bomb1.) Deciding to clip the red wire instead of the blue one in the last few seconds of the countdown, will disable any bomb.

2.) If you jump through a heavy glass window precisely as the bomb in the room goes off you'll land safely outside.

3.) Any locked door can be kicked in with a well placed swift kick just above the door knob. (A Hollywood door anyway!)

4.) If you are a Martial Arts Master, a gang of thug assassins will wave their arms around aggressively while waiting to attack you one at a time.

5.) You can accidentally drop an Uzi sub-machine gun down a flight of stairs and it will continue to fire and kill only the bad guys.

6.) If someone is shooting at you with an AK47 machinegun you can always hide safely behind a couch.

7.) You can knock someone out by hitting them in the head with a heavy wine bottle and 10 minutes later they'll be just fine!


Seven Dumbest Things the Movies Have Taught Us About: Skillful Driving

1.) You can make a city bus jump a fifty foot gap in a bridge if you just go fast enough and tell everybody to move to the back of the bus.

2.) Exciting high speed car chases can take place mid-day on the streets of Chicago, New York, LA or Brazil without getting blocked by the other traffic.

3.) Cars driven by the bad guys instantly explode in an intense ball of flame when they crash. If good guys crash, the car waits to explode until they can run and dive or tuck roll to a safe distance!

4.) If you buy an old black and white Police car you can drive it under water if you just roll up all the windows and turn on the wipers.

5.) You can jump a car over a raised draw bridge without crushing the suspension or blowing the tires when you hit the other side! (You may however, bruise your kidneys!)

6.) You can drive your "tricked out" rice burner in and out under the trailer of a speeding semi truck without decapitating yourself, being crushed, or being noticed by the driver.

7.) You can chase a speeding armored car through congested city streets with a commandeered concrete mixer.


Seven Dumbest Things the Movies Have Taught Us About: The Fine Art of Espionage

1.) Every hotel window in the city of Paris has a perfect view of the Eiffel Tower.

2.) A ball point pen mini grenade launcher and flame thrower will never go off accidentally in your shirt pocket.
(Or when signing the hotel register.)

3.) Regardless of the country; to blend into the crowd it's not necessary to speak the language just speak English with some kind of an accent and you'll fool them.

4.) Even when they are alone with each other, foreigners prefer to speak to each other in English (but with some kind of an accent).

5.) Female spies always use their feminine wiles to get what they want or to get out of a tough situation, they will never just kill you!

6.) You and your team can crawl through the flimsy sheet metal ventilation systems of most buildings with all of your equipment and no one will ever hear you.

7.) When being chased by heavily armed guards firing machine guns, their bullets will never even come close. You can quickly turn every few steps, take aim, fire two shots and kill two of them each time.

Crime Fighting

Seven Dumbest Things the Movies Have Taught Us About: The Police and Crime Fighting

Keystone Cops1.) Movie criminals are always "Master Criminals" or just "too cool" to be caught and are always outsmarting the COPS!

2.) Uniformed Police Officers only drink coffee and eat doughnuts. Plain clothes detectives eat only hot dogs with greasy fries and drink stale beer.

3.) Uniformed Police Officers are always the 'Keystone Cops' while the detectives are the clever ones who have all the answers. (Where do the detectives come from again?)

4.) Running from the cops or escaping a shoot out, you can jump from a 3rd floor fire escape (or a roof) into a steel dumpster full of trash and not be injured.

5.) The precinct captain will always rant and rave and suspend (the star) detective from the case. At the end he will award the rogue detective with a valor award for solving the case.

6.) If you are in a ferocious gun battle with the bad guys and running low on ammo, you will always have an unlimited supply of bullets in your pocket.

7.) If you are the star police officer or detective, your partner will always be a complete loser, complete tight ass, or a recovering alcoholic.

Vampires & Demons

Seven Dumbest Things the Movies Have Taught Us About: Vampires and Demons

1.) Vampires will never sneak up and attack you; they must first 'strike a pose' and menacingly display their fangs and intense gaze before coming at you.

2.) Light will make a vampire disintegrate . . . but it has to be sunlight. Electric lights, candle light, or moon light (which is reflected sunlight) won't hurt them.

3.) Vampires will suck the blood of rats, cats, or dogs when they can't get people. So, when will there be a movie about vampire cats or dogs?

4.) All vampires are not undead humans, some are in fact, a separate species that evolved alongside normal humans.

5.) Demons are really good at projectile vomiting and bed spinning.

6.) Vampires are always wealthy, well dressed, and in great physical shape.

7.) Demons always have ancient Babylonian or Sanskrit names, they never have a name from the 20th century . . . like Skip.


Seven Dumbest Things the Movies Have Taught Us About: Flying and Air Travel

1.) You can land a jumbo jet if someone in the control tower on the ground can just talk you through it.

2.) You can jump out of an airplane without a parachute as long as you can catch up to the guy with one. (So . . . you can defy the laws of 'terminal velocity?')

3.) You can fly an alien space craft with an unknown power source and unknown control systems if you have some experience flying a modern fighter jet.

4.) You can crash land a big cargo plane and simply skid it into the broken fuselage of bigger crashed cargo plane and the bad guys won't find you . . . they'll drive right by!

5.) You can fall hundreds of feet down through busy air traffic and your partner in a flying sports coup (cloud car) can swoop in an catch you as gently as an egg.

6.) The aisles of all airliners are wide enough to drive your Mini Cooper down and the seat in front of you is at least three feet away.

7.) In a critical situation you and your co-star can steal a seaplane, start it up and take off, with only your PlayStation experience to guide you.


Seven Dumbest Things the Movies Have Taught Us About: Romance and Relationships

1.) All true romances start with both people not being able to stand each other.

2.) Regardless of the city, every shopping bag has a nice long loaf of French bread and a bunch of celery sticking out.

3.) All telephone numbers in the U.S. start with 555.

4.) You never have to say hello or goodbye in your telephone conversations.

5.) You can have an email dialog with a romantic interest for many months and he or she will never ask for a photo so they know what you look like.

6.) When a woman cries her mascara never smears, her nose never runs.

7.) You can fake a loud orgasm in a public restaurant and no will call the police or ask you to leave.






© e'Media Inc. - Zuko Studios - MMXXIII

All rights reserved. zuko.com is a registered trademark of e'Media Inc. Reproduction in whole or in part in any form or medium without the express written permission of e'Media Inc. is prohibited.