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Pseudo Intellectual Jokes:
Double Negative
A linguistics professor was lecturing to
her class one day. "In English," she said, "A double negative forms a
positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative
is still a negative. There is, however, no language wherein a double
positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped
up, "Yeah, right."
Sentence Structure
An English
teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is
nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words
correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
True Definitions
What's the definition of a pessimist?
A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.
Business and Management:
Unmistakable Clues
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. As he reduced
altitude he spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an
hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 32 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 58 and 59 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," shouted the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well, everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea
of what to make of the information, and the fact is I'm still lost.
Frankly, you've not been much help at all, and now you've delayed my
trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot
air.
You've made a promise, which you have no idea on how you'll be able to
keep it, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
You're still completely lost, and behind schedule but now it's my fault.
Relationships & Raising
Kids:
Advice for
Your Kids
If you're gonna' pick your
nose, step up and do it like an adult; Buy a car and do it in traffic!
Doublespeak!
Of course no one says what they mean anymore. Why, what if the
truth offended someone? How would they ever handle that?
Ever wonder what your kid's teacher is really saying to you at that
parent teachers conference? Listen-up!
(sent to us by a teacher)
The words:
Your son shows remarkable ingenuity and perseverance in gathering needed
information from his classmates.
The meaning:
He was caught cheating on a test.
The
words:
Your daughter is a fount of endless vitality and energy.
The meaning:
She’s a hyperactive, disruptive little monster who can't stay seated
for five minutes.
The
words:
He demonstrates wonderful imagination and has a definite talent for
blending factual and theoretical information.
The meaning:
He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met.
The
words:
She exhibits a casual and relaxed attitude in class, indicating that
high expectations don't intimidate her.
The meaning:
Your kid is totally lazy and hasn't completed one single assignment
all term.
The
words:
Robbie thrives on lively interaction with his peers.
The meaning:
Your son needs to stop socializing and start working.
The
words:
Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
The meaning:
She is disruptive and creates an argument every time I explain an
assignment .
The
words:
John enjoys the thrill of engaging in challenges with his peers.
The meaning:
He's a bully!
The
words:
She's an adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to
explore new territory.
The meaning:
Your daughter was caught skipping school again and hiding in the park.
The
words:
I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
The meaning:
She's incredibly immature and prone to temper tantrums.
The
words:
Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Alex is very expressive and
open.
The meaning:
Your kid is a belly aching whiner.
The
words:
I firmly believe that your son’s (or daughter’s) intellectual and
emotional progress would be enhanced through a repetition of this year’s
learning environment.
The meaning:
Regretfully, your kid is flunking out.
The
words:
Your daughter’s exuberant verbosity is incredible!
The meaning:
She’s an incessant chatter box that never shuts up.
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That's Just The Way It Is:
Effective
Cough Cure
An old guy walked into his local pharmacy and
between coughing spasms, asked for the best cough syrup they had. The
pharmacist (realizing he was out of cough syrup) sold the old man a big
bottle of laxative and told him to take it all at once.
The puzzled old man
said . . . I didn't know laxatives would cure a bad cough! Are you sure
this works?
The pharmacist said . .
. "It sure does! See that guy leaning on the bench outside the store?
He had a cough much worse than yours. I sold him the same thing. Now,
just look at him, he's simply too terrified to cough!"
Old Guy
Sex
Alan King once asked George Burns what sex was
like for an old guy like him . . . Burns replied, "It's a lot like
shooting pool with a rope!"
The Redhead and the Doctor
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that
her body hurts terribly wherever she touches herself.
"That's quite improbable", says the doctor, "Perhaps you should show
me."
She takes her finger and pushes gently on her elbow, but winces and
cries out in agony.
She then pushes on her left knee and quickly cries out; pushes her
ankle and once again screams in pain.
This goes on for a few minutes, and no
matter what part of her body she touches, she is in obvious pain.
The doctor finally tells her to please stop and then he looks at her
for a moment and asks, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
“Why no," she says, "I'm actually a natural Blonde."
"I thought so," he says in an authoritative voice. "Your finger is
broken."
Lawyers and Politicians:
Billable Hours and St. Peter.
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay,
there were thousands of souls ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.
But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down
the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him
warmly.
St. Peter and one of his assistants then escorted the lawyer to the
front of the line and seated him in a comfortable chair by St. Peter's
desk.
The lawyer said, "I really don't mind all of this attention, but what
exactly makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, my son, I've added up all of the hours for
which you have billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be at
least 196 years old!"
Deals and the Devil?
A
young lawyer was visited by the devil one night in a fitful sleep.
The devil made him an offer. "I can ensure your future" the devil said.
"I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your
clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year
and live to be a hundred and two. All I require in return is that
your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls will
one day rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
Strictly Business.
A man was standing at one of the work tables in the post office,
addressing a huge stack of Valentines.
On each card, in very flowing, delicate penmanship, he signed "Guess
Who." When he had finished addressing all of the cards, he took a small
spray bottle from his jacket pocket and liberally doused the entire
stack with a rich, rather seductively scented perfume.
As he looked up he noticed two men staring at him quizzically. Nervously
he said, "Oh, I'm just sending these to a few potential clients.
Strictly business!"
In a surprised voice one of the men asked, "Really, what kind of
business are you in buddy?" Oh, I'm a divorce lawyer.
The Bounty Hunter and The Lawyer
A n’er-do-well from South of the border
made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and
robbing banks. Finally, caught on video, a reward was offered for his
capture, and an enterprising bounty hunter decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the
bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his pistol to
the bandit's head, and said, "You are under arrest. Tell me where you
hid the loot or I'll ventilate your skull."
Unfortunately the bandit didn't speak any
English, and the bounty hunter didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a
bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the bounty hunter's
message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was
buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the bounty
hunter.
The lawyer answered, "He said, Get lost,
you #!@##!*! gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me."
Showing
Remarkable Restraint
Husband: “I’m just curious, when I get mad at you
and start yelling, you never raise your voice, and you never fight back.
How in the world do you manage to control your anger so well?”
Wife: “It’s easy I just go and clean all of the
toilets in the house.”
Husband: “I don’t get it, how could that possibly help with anger?”
Wife: “It's simple, I use your toothbrush!” |
Lawyers are smart people right?
Well . . . they're people anyway!
Courtroom
bloopers compiled by the National Court Reporters Association
Lawyer's Question: Doctor, how many
autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Answer: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
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Lawyer's Question: How many times have you committed suicide?
Answer: Four times.
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Lawyer's Question: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage
terminated?
Answer: By death.
Lawyer's Question: And by whose death was it terminated?
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Lawyer's Question: What happened then?
Answer: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
identify me."
Lawyer's Question: Did he kill you?
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Lawyer's Question: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is
he?
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Lawyer's Question: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you
recognize that picture?
Answer: That's me.
Lawyer's Question: Were you present when that picture was taken?
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Lawyer's Question: You say that the stairs went down to the
basement?
Answer: Yes.
Lawyer's Question: And these stairs, did they go up also?
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Lawyer's Question: Do you recall approximately the time that you
examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
Answer: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30
P.M.
Lawyer's Question: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is
that correct?
Answer: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why
I was performing an autopsy on him!
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Excerpts are
from Humor in the Court and More Humor in the Court. A two book
collection of courtroom bloopers compiled by the National Court
Reporters Association.
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