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Things the Movies Have Taught Us About: Alien Invasions
 1.) Aliens can be killed with a glass of water (What were they
thinking? 70% of the earth is covered with water!)
2.) You can thwart a massive, highly coordinated alien invasion of the
planet with a computer virus. (What ? Aliens don’t have firewalls?)
3.) Aliens have to carve symbols into corn fields to find their way
around (with all that technology, they have no GPS?)
4.) Aliens can breathe through eyelids and sometimes rip off and wear a
dead guy's skin as a disguise. (Hope they have deodorant.)
5.) Aliens can leave their war machines under the streets of Bayonne
N.J. for centuries without getting any ‘rust through.’
6.) Giant alien space craft can sneak up on you (and NORAD) by hiding in
a big dark swirling cloud.
7.) Aliens have florescent green blood that glows eerily, even without
turning on a black light.
Things the Movies Have Taught Us About:
Fighting International Terrorists
 1.) Deciding to clip the red wire instead of the blue
one in the last few
seconds of the countdown, will disable any bomb.
2.) If you jump through a heavy glass window precisely as the bomb in
the room goes off you’ll land safely outside.
3.) Any locked door can be kicked in with a well placed swift kick just
above the door knob. (A Hollywood door anyway!)
4.) If you are a Martial Arts Master, a gang of thug assassins will wave
their arms around aggressively while waiting to attack you one at a
time.
5.) You can accidentally drop an Uzi sub-machinegun down a flight of
stairs and it will continue to fire and kill only the bad guys.
6.) If someone is shooting at you with an AK47 machinegun you can always
hide safely behind a couch.
7.) You can knock someone out by hitting them in the head with a heavy
wine bottle and 10 minutes later they’ll be just fine!
Things the Movies Have Taught Us About:
Skillful Driving
1.) You can make a city bus jump a fifty foot gap in a bridge if you
just go fast enough and tell everybody to move to the back of the bus.
2.) Exciting high speed car chases can take place mid-day on the streets
of Chicago, New York, or LA . . . sure they can!
3.) Cars driven by the bad guys instantly explode in an intense ball of
flame when they crash. If good guys crash, the car waits to
explode until they are at a safe distance!
4.) If you buy an old black and white Police car you can drive it under
water if you just roll up all the windows and turn on the wipers.
5.) You can jump a car over an open draw bridge without crushing the
suspension or blowing the tires! (however, you may bruise your kidneys!)
6.) You can drive your ‘tricked out’ rice burner in and out under the
trailer of a speeding semi truck without decapitating yourself or being
crushed.
7.) You can chase a speeding armored car with a commandeered concrete
mixer.
Things the Movies Have Taught Us About:
The Fine Art of Espionage
1.) Every hotel window in Paris has a perfect view of the Eiffel Tower.
2.) A ball point pen mini grenade launcher and flame thrower will never
go off accidentally in your shirt pocket. (Or when signing the hotel
register.)
3.) Regardless of the country; to blend into the crowd it’s not
necessary to speak the language just speak English with some kind of an
accent.
4.) Even when they are alone, foreigners prefer to speak to each other
in English (but with some kind of an accent!).
5.) Female spies always use their feminine wiles to get what they want
or to get out of a tough situation, they will never just kill you!
6.) You can crawl through the flimsy sheet metal ventilation systems of
most buildings and no one will ever hear you.
7.) When being chased by heavily armed guards firing machine guns, their
bullets will never even come close. You can quickly turn every few
steps, fire twice and kill two each time.
Things the Movies Have Taught Us About:
The Police and Crime Fighting
 1.) The criminals are always outsmarting the COPS! (so why are the
prisons overflowing with dumb asses?)
2.) Uniformed Police Officers only drink and eat coffee and doughnuts.
Plain clothes detectives eat only hot dogs and drink stale beer.
3.) Uniformed Police Officers are always the 'Keystone Cops' while the
detectives are clever and have all the answers. (Where do
detectives come from again?)
4.) You can jump from a 3rd floor fire escape into a steel dumpster full
of trash and not be injured.
5.) The precinct captain will always rant and rave and suspend (the
star) detective from the case. At the end he will award the rogue
detective with a valor award.
6.) If you are in a ferocious gun battle with the bad guys and running
low on ammo, you will always have an unlimited supply of bullets in your
pocket
7.) If you are the star police officer, your partner will be a complete loser,
complete tight ass, or a recovering alcoholic.
Things the Movies Have Taught Us About:
Vampires and Demons
1.) Vampires will never sneak up and attack you; they must first 'strike
a pose' and menacingly display their fangs and intense gaze before
coming at you.
2.) Light will make a vampire disintegrate . . . but it has to be
sunlight. Electric lights, candle light, or moon light (reflected
sunlight) won't hurt them.
3.) Vampires will suck the blood of rats, cats, or dogs when they can't
get people.
So, when will there be a movie about vampire cats or dogs?
4.) All vampires are not undead humans, some are in fact, a separate
species that evolved alongside normal humans.
5.) Demons are really good at projectile vomiting and bed spinning.
6.) Vampires are always wealthy, well dressed, and in great
physical shape.
7.) Demons always have ancient Babylonian or Sanskrit names, they never
have a name from the 20th century.
Things the Movies Have Taught Us About:
Flying and Air Travel
1.) You can land a jumbo jet if someone in the control tower on the
ground can just talk you through it.
2.) You can jump out of an airplane without a parachute as long as you
can catch up to the guy with one. (You can defy the laws of 'terminal
velocity?')
3.) You can fly an alien space craft with an unknown power source and
unknown control systems if you have some experience flying a fighter
jet.
4.) You can crash land a big cargo plane and simply skid it into the
broken fuselage of bigger crashed cargo plane and the bad guys won't
find you . . . they'll drive right by!
5.) You can fall hundreds of feet down through busy air traffic and your
partner in a flying sports coup can swoop in an catch you as gently as
an egg.
6.) The aisles of all airliners are wide enough to drive your Mini
Cooper down and the seat in front of you is at least three feet
away.
7.) With the right instruction and a little practice, you can fly on
your broom stick.
Things the Movies Have Taught Us About:
Romance and Relationships
1.) All true romances start with both
people not being able to stand each other.
2.) Regardless of the city, every shopping
bag has a nice long loaf of French bread and a bunch of celery sticking out.
3.) All telephone numbers in the U.S.
start with 555.
4.) You never have to say hello or goodbye
in your telephone conversations.
5.) You can have an email dialog with a
romantic interest for many months and he or she will never ask for a
photo so they know what you look like.
6.) When a woman cries her mascara never
smears.
7.) You can fake a loud orgasm in a public
restaurant and no will call the police or ask you to leave.
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